Don't ask!
And sadly I really mean that. I need to blog....I need to let it all out. But I know that alot of people read this so I am setting the rules for this entry now.
Please dont ask me about this, if I talk to you about its one thing, but if i dont say anything dont ask me please.
Please dont IM me about it. I share my screenname with my hubby and my kids at times...so it hard to tell which one of us is online and not everyone in my family knows about the situtation.
Please dont IM any of my other friends about it to see if they know anything about it. It's not fair to them especially since they were asked not to say anything.
Please dont get upset if I didnt/don't talk to you about it....I have enough to worry about, that I dont need someone upset with me because I didnt tell them. I have my reason and you should respect that.
Now if you think you can handle these rules and respect my wishes then read on...if not the don't.
I am pregnant and I have known for about two weeks. The doctor just confirmed it yesterday and I am scared.
Last year around the exact time I dound out I was pregnant After I got over the shock that I was going to have another baby, the doctor threw another curve ball at me. My HCG (pregnancy hormones) levels werent rising and there was a good chance that the pregnancy was ectopic....mean the egg had nestled itself inside the fallopian tubes. If left undetected it can be deadly to the mother. So I had no choice, I had to terminate the pregnancy.
I was desvasted. I had just finally gotten over the shock that I was going to have my fourth child, but then I was told that I had to terminate the pregnancy. To make matters worst, I found out all this around the time of my 28th birthday. I spent the first 6 hours of my birthday in the emergency. I started to have cramps so they told me to go in. A few days later I took the injections to terminate it.
So now I am scared...not only am I pregnant again, but its the exact same time last year when all this happened. What are the odds? The only difference is this year I know I was pregnant and last year was a complete shock. This year I know I am high risk for another ectopic pregnancy, but that doesnt ease my fears.
I am scared. I don't want to have to terminate it. As much as I complain I want another child. I don't know why I just do. I want to carry this pregnancy full term. I want to scream bloody murder as I push the lil monster out and I want cry hysterically when the doctor places this new life into my arms for the first time.
But I cant even get excited yet, because I cant take the heartbreak. It nearly killed me last year. It was one of the hardest things to do. Then I had to explain to my eight year old why mommy wasnt going to have a baby.
So this year we are gonna be smart about it. We're not telling anyone about it, atleast not the family, just to make it easier on us.
I did the first set of bloodwork yesterday. I go in Sunday to do more bloodwork. If the levels are high enough, they will do and ultrasound to try and see how far along I am. If not it's more blood work.
I find out the results of the blood work on monday....did I mention that Monday is also my 29th birthday?
I am hoping that maybe this year it will be a good birthday.
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